The Tours of Middle Earth
by MBDTA
Summary: Various misteps and adventures of tour groups plowing their way through Arda with the MBDTA. There might actually be a story along with it!
1. Chapter 1

We would like to welcome you to the MBDTA's touring guide. Reveiwers of our other stories will be featured in their favorite parts of Middle Earth, guided by their favorite characters. The General "price" is seven reveiws unless a sale is occuring. Please contacts us via private messege if you would like to inquire.

Enjoy.

**Contracts**

* * *

"Welcome to the MBDTA. How may I help you?" The secretary smiled at me, tapping one foot covered by a . . . glass slipper?

"I have an appointment." I nervously told her.

"Yes of course, but with whom?"

"Uh . . ."

"Let me see your token."

"Token?"

"The business card, pocket change, bit of string, inkless pen – whatever you were given upon making the appointment."

"Oh." I handed her a rather battered nickel.

"Straight ahead, it's the door with the rings on it."

"Thank you."

"Please sign the guest book on your way in – you probably won't come out this way."

I scrawled my name in the rather think and old looking guest book and headed don the hall, wondering what was up and down the stairs that randomly spiraled of on either side and what was in the doors that lined the hall. The bits of remaining wall space were taken up by portraits of what looked like mildewed ears – but maybe they were just really old. The hall seemed to go on forever, past doors with submarines and lions and strange contraptions carved into their panels. I finally reached the door – at the end of the hall of course. It opened easily, revealing a high ceilinged room with walls covered in bookshelves. The only breaks in the shelving were the grate with a nice fire in it – except for the vibrant blue color of the flames – the door, and one wall which held several full sized mirrors that extended twice the height of the tallest person I'd ever seen and were topped by more shelving running across the wall. A small desk stood near the fireplace with a perch behind it. A large cockatoo glared at me.

"Good day, honored guest!" It called out.

"Hello." I replied, not sure what I'd gotten myself into.

"Just moment!" Called a voice from above.

I looked up just in time to avoid being squashed flat by the person falling from the ceiling – I couldn't see the ceiling, but I had to suppose there was one.

The person didn't squash me, and what's more, she landed quite upright.

"Welcome to the Loter Department." She said cheerily as if she hadn't just fallen from the roof.

"Good morning!" The bird yelled.

"Hush Fëanor." The woman admonished it, "I'm Nickel; this is Fëanor – ignore him."

The bird squawked and flew up toward where his mistress had come from.

Nickel watched him go, then turned back to me, "Your token?"

I handed her the nickel.

"Oh!" She exclaimed, "You will be on my personal tour! Just have a seat anywhere." She nimbly climbed up the bookcases and out of sight.

I looked around for a comfy bit of floor to catch up on sleep from the plane trip. I had just curled up behind the desk when a rain of pillows fell from the ceiling, narrowly missing my head.

Within the next hour, a variety of people came into that room. Some climbed the walls like they worked there. Others cautiously chose a pillow, sitting down as if they expected the whole place to suddenly disappear.

"Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen." A little fellow with the hindquarters of a goat and horns in his curly hair came in, "you are all here for the same reason – that being that you are interested in a tour of the ever popular Middle Earth. Now – oh thank you, dear." A box that – by the sound of it – was filled with papers landed next to him, "If you will all sign these waivers and disclaimers . . ."

I took one of the proffered sheets of paper and began to read:

_**Dear Client, **_

_**Thank you for traveling with us at the MBDTA on our tour of Arda A.K.A. Middle Earth. Please sign the following. **_

_I agree to at no point attempt to remain past my allotted tour. _

_I agree to at no point steal of attempt to steal property of the locals. _

_I agree to never harass the locals or my tour guide. (Judgment will be left to you tour guide.)_

_I will stay with the tour guide at all times. _

_I will not change or attempt to change any plot. _

_I will not request a refund after signing this waiver. _

_If I die or are injured during the duration of my tour, the MBDTA is NOT liable. _

_X ----------------------------------------_

* * *

Now sign! 

As in right there. (It says review, but we mean for you to sign)

This is required for those who "paid" for a tour, so, if we contacted you, please leave a **_SIGNED_** review for your tour to commence and to be included.


	2. Chapter 2

MBDTA Tours  
ID#: QI5962  
Access: GRANTED  
Tour: LM3000

"Hello, My Name is Legolas. Welcome to Mirkwood."

I stared giddily up at the most absolutely perfect elf in existence.

"Bonjour, je m'appelle Legolas. Bienvenu à Mirkwood."

I scrambled to my feet, "I speak English."

"Hola, me llama Legolas, Bienvenidos a Mirkwood."

I poked Legolas. Golly, his abs were _**hard**_.

"Halo, Ich heiße Legolas. Hertzlich Wil Kommen in Mirkwood."

I poked him again. Legolas fall over. "Are you okay?"

I plopped down on the ground and seized his boot. Since my very hot tour guide wasn't going to be adorable, I was going to take a souvenir. I tugged off the boot and peered at Legolas's foot. There was a small battery. I pulled it out to shake it and see if I could get some juice into my tour guide. In a matter of seconds, however, I had only a dead triple A and a foot a Legolas's body collapsed and folded into the foot. Even the boot was gone. I was positively heartbroken.

"NO!" I wailed, 'I paid good money for this!" My voice echoed oddly through the forest, "Is there anybody there?"

"I'm here." I whirled around to see a _**very**_ large spider.

"Ack!" I threw the foot at it. The bit of anatomy bounced uselessly off the monster's head. Oh crap. "I'll just be going now." I told the spider and tore off through the trees in a blaze of light.

At least, that's what I intended to do. There were five more spiders now, in a circle around me, clicking and muttering to themselves. And I thought the cockroaches were big. I looked around for something to defend myself with. Nothing. Alright, an escape route then. Another glance. Damn. All exits covered. "No wonder I signed a waiver." I muttered.

The lead spider touched my leg.

"Eww!' I whacked its pincher, "Shooo, bug!"

I could have sworn I saw it roll its eyes - all eight of them.

"Are you suicidal, or just stupid?" A voice asked.

I looked up, "Are you another robot?"

"No." Legolas jumped gracefully out of a tree, clicking his tongue. The spiders backed off, "Didn't anyone tell you I don't do tours anymore?"

"Nope, maybe you should let them know." I poked him to make sure he was real.

Legolas seized my wrist and dumped my on the ground. Definitely real. "I'll have you reimbursed." He said, eyes glittering madly. If I hadn't already been on the ground, I would have fallen over. "Until your tour time runs out, you can wait in a dungeon of listen to my father read poetry. I recommend the dungeon."

"I like poetry."

"Don't say I didn't warn you." He turned and strode out of the clearing.

I scrambled to my feet and followed. "So what made you decide to stop giving tours? I was under the impression that it provided great revenue . . ."

**Reveiws: **

**Queen Islanzadi:** Well, this is your tour . . or part of it.

**meagan:** yes, yes, no, yes

**Gina:** Accepted

**Anonymous Authoress:** Accepted

**Urulokiwen: **Accepted


	3. Chapter 3

Locked in a Stony Tower: Removing his batteries? not really... robots aren't natives. We let her slide on that one.

Anonymous Authoress: we concur

Queen Islandzadi: I think it's because I already had an idea for yours? I dont remember

**Sorry it's been awhile. Just sorry!**

* * *

**MBDTA Tours**

**ID#:851750**

**Access: Granted**

**Tour: Imladris A**

It paid to have friends who worked for MBDTA, I thought giddily as I bounced on my toes. A large group of us were standing in front of the gates of Rivendell, Nickel speaking to a tall blonde elf.

"Gah! I just love these tours!" A brunette on my left squeaked, clapping her hands very fast. "I've already been on the tours to Hogwarts, Narnia—"

"Did you go to Forks yet?" A tiny blonde piped up. "The vampires are so amazing, they—"

"Why would you use MBDTA to go to Forks?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "Just take a road trip."

"But I'd miss Edward!" The preteen whined. "And he's the whole reason to go there!"

"No way!" An older, motherly woman interrupted. "Team Jacob, bitch!"

"Team Edward, you old fart!" The blonde shrieked.

As the older woman pulled a spear from an elf standing guard and started to smack the teen, I turned to the brunette. "Why the hell is she in a Lord of the Rings universe then?"

"I was talking to her earlier, apparently her dad wouldn't buy her a car unless she enjoyed a real tour, and not one where half people on the tour only talk in texting language."

I nodded. It made sense. "So how was Hogwarts?"

"Pretty good, no complaints really. I mean, none of the main characters were actually there to give the tour. In fact one of the prefects had some technical difficulties."

"Technical difficulties?"

"Oh, you know," the brunette flipped her hair back. "The prefect broke down and they needed to give him a tune-up before he could continue the tour.

"Also, so the author doesn't have to keep describing me by my hair, my name's Loki." Loki held out her hand.

"Loki?"

"Yea, the author wasn't very smart and didn't realize she'd need names to write this so that everyone gets in, so it's a creative way to shorten the username."

"Huh. I'm Gina." I took her hand and winced as one of her several rings pinched my skin. "So no one at Hogwarts was real?"

"Some were. Just not the tour guides. I mean, the real characters can't be there all the time. And the tours tend to disrupt class a little bit. Some dude in my group decided he really wanted to jump Professor Trelawney, and she still teaches since she's not one of the more popular characters. The students were a little freaked out."

Ahead, Nickel had pulled out her ID card and was arguing with the guard.

"That sucks. I mean I'm coming here only because I know I'll get to meet Glorfindel."

Loki nodded. "Yea, the LotR universe is the only one that hasn't lost all their tour guides. After the initial fangirls came and went even Legolas stayed on to do tours."

Nickel walked back to the group, looking harassed. "Hey! Guys! Listen up! Ms. Hamilton, please put down the spear, we'd rather not return with a dead person, even a Twilight lover."

She pinched her lips for a second then rubbed her forehead. "We've had a slight change of plans. Imladris has been closed to tours indefinitely. We'll be happy to fully refund you," she began shouting over the sudden complaints. "But for now we will return to MBDTA and we can continue today with a tour of Rohan or Minas Tirith."

As the group grumbled (or shrieked in the case of the older woman who was dying to meet Elrond), I pushed past a group of older men and made my way to Nickel. "Hey, what gives? I thought I was finally gonna meet Glorfindel!"

Nickel glared at me. "It's not my fault! Elrond's stopped the tours for reasons he won't give me. He'll have to answer to MBDTA, we pay good money to be here!"

* * *

**MBDTA Offices**

**Nickel's POV**

The moment I returned I sent the Imladris group with Kelsey's tour of year 1000 Gondor, I turned to Mandy. She was frantically shoving paper at the newest intern from Lothlorien and yelling into a palantir.

"What do you mean? Glorfindel, this is serious! These people paid money to come visit! We've already paid you plenty of money in advance! What—"

I took the palantir and glared at Glorfindel, who sat stiffly at a desk. "What the heck was that? You all couldn't have the decency to let us know the tours couldn't continue before we brought a group?"

"It wasn't my fault," Glorfindel snapped. "Elrond's in a bit of a temper. I'm just passing along the message."

He looked behind him then leaned forward. "Nicole, I'm sorry, really. I'm not entirely sure what's wrong right now, but—"

A gong echoed around the room and Mandy dropped the stacks of papers. "Shoot! We've got another call Glorfindel!"

She smacked the palantir, spun it to face her and waved her hand in front of it, then peered in frantically. With a gasp she glanced in a small mirror she kept next to the palantir and smoothed her hair. "Legolas! What a surprise! I thought you had a tour today!"

"You mean my robot had a tour," he replied, looking a little uncomfortable. "I…well, I was hoping you wouldn't be the one to answer this, but we…ah, we have one of your tours here."

"Yea," Mandy resumed nonverbally abusing the intern and grabbing stacks of waivers. "They should be there."

"No, I mean…she's listening to my father read poetry."

Mandy smacked the intern as she turned to the palantir. "What?"

"I mean—"

"What did you do?"

"Mandy, listen—"

"Why would you subject anyone to that?"

Legolas winced as a shriek erupted from somewhere behind him. "Well, she—"

"Legolas, listen to me. That is a paying customer. You only get to do that to you-know-whats or girls who try to flirt with you…who aren't paying for a tour."

"Mandy, we've got a problem with the tours!"

"Do you want me to take it up with the boys upstairs?" Mandy threatened. Even in the swirling red of the palantir, Legolas paled.

"No, look, it's not my idea! I didn't know what to do with her and she volunteered!"

* * *

**Tour ID#QI5962**

I looked up from my fetal position as a girl with bright blue hair tripped into the room, beaming.

"Is this where all the elves are?" She asked, spinning around to look for them and tripping over her own feet.

I pointed a shaking finger at an elf sitting on a tall throne.

"Oh hi!" She beamed, rushing forward with an outstretched hand. "Thank you so much for opening up your home like this I'm so excited to see everything! Is this where you meet everyone everyday my name's Anna Anonymous, sorry I didn't catch yours?"

The elf smiled cruelly for a moment, then licked his finger and flipped a page of the book on his lap.

"There once was an elf named Harold…"

The screams began again.

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**Hope you enjoyed it. Please review! **


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